My romantic past with a college girl.

Preface: A person always has to go through some things that should not happen in his life before he can learn to cherish them. From the beginning, I seemed to be waiting for something like this to happen. If not yesterday, it would definitely happen today or tomorrow. Just over a year after getting married, my Family life was already full of SMoke and war. When I was most depressed, I was admitted to a graduate School in the provincial capital. In this way, my Wife and I started living in two places. In college, falling in love has long been a trend, and intimate couples can be seen everywhere. Nowadays, girls are fashionable and generous. Compared with them, my Wife undoubtedly seems lifeless. I seem to be secretly expecting something to happen. One day, a college classmate who worked in Guangzhou came over for business, and I went to the hotel where he was staying to see him. The two chatted for a while, then the classmate flipped through the hotel's service guide and found something like a business card in it, with the contact information of a service agency printed on it. This agency provides female college students with services such as chatting, playing with, and attending various activities. You will know what it is at a glance. My classmate SMiled at me and said, "Let's call two of them to come over and have fun." Then he dialed the number and the call was answered immediately. The classmate said that he was on a business trip here and wanted two good-looking girls to come over and have dinner with him. The other party hurriedly agreed and assured that she was a female college student. About an hour later, someone really knocked on the door. When I opened the door, I saw two girls who looked like 20-year-old students standing there. They were both tall and good-looking. This was my first time doing something like this, so I was a little nervous and a little excited. They stood close to us and chatted with us charmingly. After a while, my classmate became dishonest. I was a little embarrassed, so I said to the girl next to me: "Let's go for a walk." She hesitated for a moment, and then walked out with me. As soon as we went out, she naturally took my hand and walked to the street. I suddenly didn't know how to proceed. The girl also looked at me blankly. of course, this kind of thing has to be decided by me. And I also knew what to do, but suddenly I couldn't make up my mind. We walked on the street for a while and then entered a park on the side of the road. I think it's a little funny, it's like falling in love. I know her name is Shan and she is studying at a normal university. Actually, you shouldn't ask these questions when doing this kind of thing. Maybe because I am a special customer, she said it naturally. I don't know whether it is true or not. We found a secluded place to sit down, not knowing what to say. Shan was leaning against me tightly, her plump and straight breasts rubbing against my body intentionally or unintentionally, which made me excited. In the end, the two of them sat there indifferently, chatting about irrelevant topics. After I came out, I gave her 200 yuan. She SMiled at me, stretched out her mouth, kissed me, chuckled in my ear and said, "You are a timid and stupid man." After saying that, she laughed. I was going to take the bus, and after walking a few steps, she came back and handed me a SMall piece of paper. I saw a series of numbers, which should be her mobile phone number. In fact, we can take the same bus because the Normal university is right next to our School. After she left, I suddenly felt an indescribable discomfort. I believe in highThere are many female students in School doing this kind of thing. If she hadn't run into me today, whether it was a bad old man or some other dirty person, she might have gone to bed with me. I don’t know whether I feel bad for her, for myself, or for these girls who should be studying hard in the ivory tower. This incident put me in a bad mood for a while. In my heart, I have always longed for a relatively simple love. Even though I am married, this idea seems to have never disappeared. I didn't fall in love when I was in college. Then I started working. In that remote and backward city, I met my current Wife through someone else's introduction. There was no passion, so I got married according to the procedures. Maybe, I thought too wonderfully about girls and romance on campus. After a long time, when I almost forgot about the girl named Shan, I actually met her again. That day I went to the back of the School to find a classmate who lived outside, and I met Shan there. She was surprised to see me, but she waved to me generously. She was wearing a pink tank top, a pair of jeans and a pair of very white sneakers, with a ponytail, looking very pure and sunny. If I hadn't been with her last time, I wouldn't have believed she was a girl who did that kind of thing. For several days in a row, Shan's shadow kept dazzling in front of my eyes. I knew she was that kind of girl, but it was like she was under a spell - maybe deep down in my heart, I didn't think I was any better. One night, boredom gave me the best excuse and I dialed the number she gave me. The call was connected, and sure enough it was her voice. I told me who I was and she responded immediately. I asked her to come out and chat. She hesitated for a while and then agreed. We met at the School gate. She was still dressed as she was that day, but she looked even more beautiful at night. We entered an ice bar on the roadside, maybe because we knew each other well, but anyway, our conversation became much SMoother. Shan didn't hide anything. She was not a college student. She had graduated from a technical secondary School three years ago. She was now attending a one-year interior decoration training class at a normal university. She was about to graduate in more than two months and had already found an employer. . In addition to the marriage, I also briefly talked about my situation. She looked a little surprised—maybe it was my status as a graduate student that made her feel special. But then I didn’t know how to continue. Our relationship was already very awkward. I asked her out, obviously not just to chat. We had nothing to say, so we had to come out. I said to Shan

: "Let's go to your place." She said nothing and took me to the back. As soon as we entered the door, I pulled Shan into my arms and started kissing and caressing her. Shan slowly started to react. I took off her clothes one by one. Her body was full, soft and beautiful. We made love ferociously, and I was tireless like a young man trying forbidden fruit for the first time. Maybe this is the so-called passion. Just like the end of the world is coming, we are all racing against time to use every ounce of our energy to enjoy this extreme joy. I woke up very late the next day, and Shan hadn't gotten up yet.She was facing inward with her back to me. I looked at her body and suddenly felt an inexplicable feeling in my heart. I don’t know how long it took, but she said softly: "Let's go. Thank you for giving me such a night." My face suddenly turned red and white, because I was thinking about whether I should give her some money. For the next two days, my whole body and mind were in an unreasonable state of excitement, which could not be explained by a single act of sex. Without the involvement of money, it cannot be called sex trafficking. And I did get more than just sexual Pleasure from Shan. And this excitement deepened my guilt about marriage. No matter how many high-sounding excuses there are, I have always known that sex outside of marriage is inherently immOral. However, there always seems to be something in life. You know it is immOral, filthy, and can even destroy everything in your life, but you still enjoy it, just like a moth to a flame, drinking poison to quench your thirst. In the days to come, almost whenever I have time, I will go find Shan. At that time, she was preparing for her graduation project and was very free, and it seemed that she didn't do that kind of thing anymore. She never rejected me. I was really obsessed with her beauty, her youth, and her publicity. Every time, I feel like a volcano erupting, which is exactly what I've been longing for. I went to the streets with her, bought her clothes, invited her to watch movies and eat Western food. Our relationship has gone far beyond sex and seems more like a pair of Lovers. But we never talk about the future, or even about ourselves—which of course we understand implicitly. I don't know what Shan would do if she knew I was married. of course I felt guilty and remorseful for my behavior, but I still couldn't control myself. I maintain this relationship with Shan with peace of mind. In my heart, I always think that she is such a girl. I don't have to be responsible for her or feel guilty when facing her. And she won't make any demands on me. This relationship is important to me because she is safe. I keep telling myself that we are together and just need each other's bodies. When I realized this, I felt selfish, cowardly, hypocritical, and even dirty. I think this may be a common problem for every cheating man. But as the days went by, I found that I was very dependent on Shan, and this dependence was not just about sex. I longed to be with her, to see her SMile, to see her sad, and when facing her beautiful body, I would painfully think of how many men had taken possession of her. This pain also includes the fact that I know very well that I am not qualified to have this pain at all. I felt flustered. It reminded me of "La Traviata" by Xiao Dumas, but it was pure and noble love. As for me, in addition to possession, have I also thought about her and my Wife at Home? It was difficult for me to see Shan more than ten days before leaving School. She was already distancing herself from me. But one day I caught Shan at her place. She looked at me silently, and this indifference made my heart tremble. After a long silence, I heard myself say: "I love you." It was very soft and without any confidence. When I said that, I didn’t dare to look at Shan. She obviously heard it, but she didn't respond at all for a long time. I lift it secretlyhead to see her. It turned out that she was staring at me, and her sharp, mocking, and painful eyes made me lower my head again. Shan seemed to be talking to herself, or to me: "You love me? You said you love me?" Her voice was lonely and sad. My heart was filled with shame. How could I say I loved her? I heard her suppressed cries. After a while, she suddenly yelled at me hysterically: "You love me? What do you mean you love me for? From the beginning, you knew what kind of girl I was, but you still came to me, don't you? Don’t you just want my body? Don’t you feel hypocritical when you say you love me? Do you think I don’t want to love? But am I still qualified to love?” Her words hurt me deeply. The person I am not qualified to love is me, either mOrally or legally. After saying that, she burst into tears. The cry was full of grievance, despair, grief and anger, as well as her endless regret. And have I ever repented for this?