43 dirty jokes

1: One day, a mosquito and a mantis went to peek at a woman taking a bath. The mosquito said proudly: Look, I bit her twice on the chest ten years ago, and now the swelling is so big; The mantis said unconvinced, what's the point? , I chopped a knife between her legs ten years ago, and she still bleeds every month... 2: In the hospital, a Family was blessed with a baby boy. The baby could talk right after he was born, and the baby said: "Grandpa." Grandpa died with a cry. The child said again: "Grandma." Grandma died with a cry. The child said again: "Dad." His father made a sound and saw that he was not dead. At this time, the child's old uncle made a sound and died. 3: The kangaroo and the frog went to visit a Prostitute. The kangaroo finished the job with three clicks and two clicks, while the frog next door just listened to the one, two, three hey all night long! One, two, three Hey! The kangaroo was so envious. The next day, the kangaroo said: "Wow!~~Brother Frog, you are great!" The frog said: "Fuck, I didn't jump on the bed all night!~~" 4: An elephant asked the camel: "

Why do your breasts grow on your back?" Camel said: "Stay away, I don't want to grow with a penis. Talking to the thing on the face!" The snake laughed wildly after listening to the conversation between the elephant and the camel. The elephant turned to the snake and said, "You're laughing! Your face is on a penis, so you have no right to laugh!" 5. A female kindergarten Teacher led her students to swim and accidentally exposed a piece of pubic hair. One student asked the Teacher what it was. Ah, the female Teacher pulled it out ruthlessly and said: "It's a thread!" 6: The little girl always showed off her new toys to the little boy. The little boy had no choice but to take off his pants and said, "You will never have this!" The girl also took off her pants. My mother said, "As long as you have this, you can have as many of those things as you want!" 7 A girl confessed her sins to the priest... girl: father, I am guilty. Priest: My child, what crime have you committed? girl: Yesterday, I scolded a man: "You son of a bitch!" Priest: Why? Did he do something to you? girl: He...he touched my breasts. Priest: You mean like this? (The priest reaches out to touch the girl's breasts) girl: Um...yes. Priest: If this is the case, you have no reason to scold him. girl: But...take off my clothes again...Priest: You mean like this? (The priest takes off the girl's clothes) girl: Yes, that's right. Priest: But you still have no reason to scold him like this. girl: Then... he turned off the light and carried me to the bed, and then... Priest: (SMiling evilly) Do you mean like this? (The priest also turned off the light and carried the girl to the bed... girl: (a few minutes later) Yes... That's it. Priest: My dear child, even so, you still have no reason to scold him, "You..." girl: But he He has AIDS!! Priest: That son of a bitch!!! 8: The Driver sent the leader to attend a literary party. When the leader entered the venue, the Driver was stopped by the security guard. The Driver said that the leader and I are in the same system. The security guard said: Chicken and chicken follow. The egg is also a system, the chicken goes inYes, can the egg go in? 9;A man came to a local gym and wanted to lose weight so that he could be slimmer. The gym had various fitness programs, which seemed quite complicated, so the guy chose the cheapest one, which was in the gym. Lose a pound in hours. He was taken to a house where stood a naked girl holding a sign that read: "If you can catch me, you are allowed to fuck me!" The guy immediately accepted the challenge. , started chasing the girl, but every time he was about to catch the girl, she ran away again. An hour passed, and he still couldn't catch the girl. The fitness instructor took him to weigh himself, and he found that he was just one pound less. . "This is pretty cool," the guy thought to himself, "I can lose weight and be happy at the same time." This time, he chose a slightly more expensive weight-loss plan that allowed him to lose two pounds in an hour. He was taken to a room where two naked girls were standing, both holding signs that also read: "If you can catch me, you are allowed to fuck me!" The guy was very excited. He chased the two girls desperately, but in the end he couldn't catch any of them. An hour later, the coach weighed him again and found that he had lost exactly two pounds. At this time, the guy was irritated. He told the Manager that he would choose the most expensive weight loss plan. The Manager assured him that he would be able to lose ten pounds in an hour, but added that this plan was very dangerous and the guy I thought to myself, isn't it just a matter of having a few more girls? The more girls there are, the better the chances are, and I can at least catch one. He urged the Manager to send him to the most expensive room quickly, even though the Manager kept warning him of the danger. So the man was taken to a house a little further away. After they let him in, they locked the door outside. The lights in the room were dim. Waiting for him was a chimpanzee with a A sign that read: "If I catch you, I'll fuck you." 10: A naked girl ran into a taxi, and the Driver covered her with his whole body. The girl cursed, "What are you looking at?" "Have you never seen a naked woman?" The Driver said, "I'm looking to see where your money will come from." 11: Every time Lao Shi and Lao Lin meet, they always tease each other. One day, Lao Lin suddenly touched Lao Shi's bald head and said, "Your bald head really feels like my Wife's butt." Lao Shi SMiled and touched his bald head, and then said sympathetically: "Yeah "It's exactly the same." 12: The Spanish like beef balls. After a bullfight, they cut off the "testicles" of the defeated cow and eat them. One day, a Spaniard came to the restaurant and ordered beef balls. The waiter said, You pay a deposit and it will be given to you tomorrow. The next day, the man came to get the beef balls and found that the "balls" were very SMall. He asked why. The waiter replied: "Sir, not every bull fight loses. Today, the matador lost." 13: One day A lady came on the bus with a bottle of fresh milk. When the bus arrived at a big station, there were more and more people, so crowded that it was difficult to even breathe... After a while, the fresh breasts the young lady was holding were squeezed out by the crowd, and the breasts were stained all over her stockings. The young lady said angrily:Hate! ! Stop crowding! Everyone's milk has been squeezed out for you. 14. The "goddess" by the Love River in Kaohsiung came to the city council one day and asked to give them a formal professional name... Councilor:: What title are you going to use?? Are goddesses bad?? Prostitutes:: It's not bad. La..We want a more formal name...CongresSMan::Then you want to use??Prostitute::We want to use a new name——>>Prostitute..At this time, the reporters who were around were furious...Reporter ::How can it be strangled... Isn't this confusing the public? At this time, the Prostitutes said loudly... Why can't it be strangled? You reporters are in the "service industry"... So are we... You are "Welcome to submit articles" "...We also welcome you to "do it"! ! 15: A young girl and a handsome boy were dating in the park. Suddenly, Xiaosheng felt a little uneasy. The girl asked: "What's wrong with you?" The young man said embarrassedly: "I want convenience." The girl was confused and saw the young man walking towards the public toilet, only to realize that "convenience" meant going to the toilet. After a while, the girl asked the young man: "When will you come to my place to play?" The young man replied: "I want to go at your convenience."... 16: There was an old man who stayed at an old friend's house because his daughter-in-law was giving birth. Friends asked why? Answer: Forget it! My daughter-in-law gave birth to a baby and squeezed me out. 17: Professor Huang was furious in a class at a girls' School: "I'm exhausted up there, but you guys are motionless down there. I've given so much before and after, have you absorbed anything?" Female students………….. 18: When a couple wants to have sex, they will use “washing clothes” as a code word. One day, after the couple had a quarrel, because the Wife was angry and the husband had sexual needs, it was inconvenient for him to woo the Wife, so he had to ask his son to pass the message on his behalf: (mom, dad said his clothes are dirty and he needs to wash them. .) The mother was very angry and said: (Tell your dad that the washing machine is broken, so we won’t wash it today.) A few days later, it was the Wife’s turn, so she asked her son to pass the message on her behalf: (Tell your dad about the washing machine. It’s repaired and you can wash the clothes.) The son immediately said: (mom, dad told me, no need. He has already washed it by hand.) 19: In the humid afternoon, in the quiet library, Ade K spent the whole morning. I was reading a book and felt a little tired. I couldn’t help but stretch my waist. I accidentally bumped into the girl in the next seat. The girl was startled! He knocked over the drink on the table and wet his clothes all over. Ade was very embarrassed and immediately apologized to the girl: "Miss! I'm sorry! I've frightened you! I will take responsibility." The girl turned around and said to Ade seriously: "classmate! Have some common sense, okay? You just touched it. I can't be "fertilized", but if you make me wet, you'd better wipe it with toilet paper quickly." 20: A drunkard went to the street to buy a drink, and suddenly he saw a hotel on the corner of the street! There is a piece of paper: [As long as you complete three puzzles, you can drink for freeNotice for a year's worth of wine! ! Seeing the opportunity, the drunkard went in to ask the bartender and drank a few glasses of wine first. The bartender said: "You want to challenge three problems?" The drunkard said: "Okay." "First, you must drink this cup of tequila filled with pepper in one gulp." "Second, in our backyard. There is a hippopotamus that has been suffering from toothache for a long time. You must help it extract its teeth. ""Third, have you seen the apartment opposite? There is a woman living there who has not been satisfied for a long time. You must make her satisfied." The drunkard was eager to give it a try. , so he finished the cup of tequila in one gulp. Suddenly he felt that his whole body was about to burn up, so he rushed to the backyard with all his strength. The screams of hippos immediately came from the backyard. After a while, the drunkard rushed out, He asked the bartender loudly: "Quick! Where do you think the woman [with toothache] is?" 21: A foreigner came to Taiwan to learn Chinese directly. But he never understood "iron" and "steel". The difference. One day he came Home very late. As a result, the door downstairs could not be opened. He had to shout loudly upstairs, "Mrs. Landlady, your steel door cannot be opened"... 22 : Lao Huang was sent back to his Hometown when he was unlucky. On March 8th, the county magistrate wanted to give a speech at a women's meeting in a certain district. Knowing that Huang could write, he forced him to write a speech. Lao Huang was really annoyed with this bastard, so he wrote an article, and the county magistrate read it verbatim: "...I am a woman man, and I am very experienced. Recently I went down there to touch you, and I got a first-hand Information. I am a big boss, and you, the female director, know best. At first, she didn’t know my strengths and weaknesses, and I just couldn’t get through it. After many confrontations and heart-to-heart comparisons, the situation was finally put on the table. Now that the pretense was peeled off, it was easy to get down to business. We focused on the focus, worked hard, explained things in simple terms, and persisted until the long-standing problems were completely resolved. It was so exciting and joyful. In the end, she was happy and I was satisfied. How good this is! ...All the female comrades stood up." The female comrades present stood up and waited for instructions because they were afraid of the county magistrate's power. The county magistrate licked his finger, turned the page and read: "Yes!" 23: There was a sign on the lawn in front of a church, which read in big words: "If you are tired of sin, please come in." Use red lipstick underneath. Another line of words was written: "If you are not tired, please call No. XXX, Amanza District." 24: After the doctor, Prostitute, and thief died, they came to see the King of Hell at the same time. The King of Hell asked them what they did for a living. The doctor said: "The villain practices medicine. When others are sick, I can cure them and bring them back to life." The King of Hell was furious and said, "Every time I send ghosts to seduce sinners, you always fight against me and cause trouble." , I want to send you to the frying pan to suffer!” The second asked about the Prostitute, and the Prostitute said, “I take customers who have no wives.” The king of hell said, “You can extend the life of a single person by twelve years.” "Asked the thief again, the thief said: "I am a thief.I'll pick up some of the clothes hanging out and the loose money. The King of Hell said: "This is to help others, increase their life span by ten years, and return to the world of heaven!" After hearing this, the doctor hurriedly begged: "If your Majesty decides like this, please let me go and restore my health. I still have a son and a daughter at Home, so let the son be a thief and the daughter be allowed to receive guests!" 25: Late one night, in a girls' dormitory, a girl was taking a shower. Suddenly there was a gust of cold wind, and a female ghost floated over from the other direction of the Bathroom... and floated to the girl's back... The female ghost patted her. said the shoulder. Female ghost: "Miss, look! I have no face! ” girl: “What’s so big about that?” ” Female ghost: “What do you mean by that!” ” The girl calmly turned back to the female ghost and said, “Look, I have no breasts!” 』 26: It is said that one day, a policeman passed by a certain alley while patrolling and suddenly heard a conversation between A: "How should we deal with this?" B: "Let's kill her first, and then rape her..." At this time, the policeman Without saying a word, the husband drew his gun and rushed in. He saw two men standing in the kitchen, holding a fish in their hands... 27: It was a beautiful morning, the sky was extremely clear, but a farmer was sitting drunk. At the door, in a state of despair. A passerby came up curiously and asked: Fellow fellow, the weather is so nice today, why don’t you go enjoy it and instead drink here. The farmer replied: Well, you can never explain some things. Passerby: What happened? Farmer: I was milking the cow today. I happened to squeeze the cow, and the cow kicked the cow over with its left foot. Passer-by: It was quite unlucky, but it wasn’t serious. Farmer: Well, you can never explain some things. Passerby: What next? Farmer: I tied her left leg to the post with a rope and squeezed her. As the bucket was full, she kicked it over with her right leg. Passers-by laughed and asked: What next? Farmer: Well, you can never explain some things. I also tied her right leg to the post. As a result, she just caught a full bucket and she swept it over with her tail. Passer-by: That’s quite unlucky. Forget it, don't feel bad. Farmer: Well, you can never explain some things. Passerby: What else? ! Farmer: This time I don’t have any rope, so I plan to tie her tail to the post with a leather belt. I pulled the leash out and grabbed her tail. At this time, my pants fell off, and my girlfriend happened to come in... 28: A certain village chief wanted to do a big business, and after careful investigation, he sent a plan to his superiors, which said: "Post it to the Great Wall." Put up ceramic tiles and put a gold edge on the equator; install elevators on Mount Everest; and put railings on the Pacific Ocean. Leaders gave instructions: Don’t dream too high and do more practical and SMall things. So, the village chief conducted another investigation and wrote another letter. It reads: Put on gloves for all flies; Put on a mask for all mosquitoes; Put on shackles on all mice; Put on condoms for all locusts. 29;There was a primary School student who had a crush on his Teacher for a long time. One day he finally got up the courage to confess his feelings to the Teacher. The Teacher kept telling him that he was wrong, etc., but the primary School student was very stubborn and refused to listen.He also said that love is regardless of age. Finally, the Teacher couldn't bear it anymore and said: "I don't want children!" The primary School student showed a satisfied SMile and said: "Teacher, I will be very careful!? "30; One day Xiao Ming came to his future Mother-in-law's house as a guest. Mother-in-law: "You can sit down wherever you want, the food will be ready soon!" Then she went into the kitchen to get busy. At this time, only a nervous Xiao Ming and her Mother-in-law's dog Xiaobai were left in the living room. Suddenly, Xiao Ming found that his stomach hurt sharply, and he thought to himself: No! I must hold back! But he couldn't help it anymore, poof! He let out an extremely loud and SMelly fart, and thought to himself: This time he is dead, and he will definitely be kicked out! Unexpectedly, the Mother-in-law just shouted: "Xiao Bai!" Xiao Ming then thought with relief: Fortunately, Xiao Bai will be my scapegoat. Then he couldn't help but fart for the second time, and his Mother-in-law still shouted: "Xiao Bai!" When he farted for the third time, he saw his Mother-in-law rushing out and yelling: "Xiao Bai! Are you going to wait until You have to run away after being stinked to death, right!" 31: Sleeping with an emperor is a national tax, sleeping with a beggar is a local tax, sleeping with a sister-in-law is a VAT, sleeping with a Lover is a tax evasion, sleeping with a woman is a tax evasion 32 : Aguang was on a business trip for a week. When he came back, he asked the apartment Manager before he came Home: "Did anyone come to see my Wife during my business trip, especially a strange man?" Manager: "No, there was only one who delivered newspapers the day before yesterday. I've been here before." Aguang breathed a sigh of relief: "It seems I was overly worried." The administrator added, "But he hasn't come down yet!" Aguang: "xo...xo*&^..." 33: Early one morning, there was the sound of firecrackers, and someone opened a SMall cinema. A film was shown on the first day. The advertiSement read "The Story of Seven Men and One woman" and explained: A beautiful woman fainted inexplicably, and seven men forcibly dragged her into the forest; waiting for the beautiful woman... everyone found it very attractive. Admission is by ticket purchase. When the movie was shown, "Snow White" appeared on the big screen, and everyone left in anger. The next day, everyone passed by the SMall theater again and saw that the advertiSement had changed. The advertiSement read "The Story of Seven Men and One woman" and explained: It is like the stormy ecstasy of several days between a flower beauty and seven men (definitely not "Snow White"). Everyone felt that this time it was more attractive than last time, and it was explained that it was not "Snow White", so they bought tickets to enter again, and the words "Eight Immortals Crossing the Sea" appeared on the big screen! ! ! 34:The spider and the bee got married. Spider felt sad and asked his mother, "Why do you have to ask me to marry Bee?" Spider's mother said, "Bee is a bit noisy, but she is also a stewardess after all." Bee also felt sad and asked Her mother: "Why do you want me to marry a spider?" Bee's mother said: "Spiders are a little ugly, but they are also involved in the Internet... 35; One morning at Xiao Ming's house, Xiao Ming's father was having breakfast. Xiao Ming walked over and asked his father, "Dad, does the heart have legs?" His father pointed to the position of the heart and said, "How can the heart have legs here?" Xiao Ming replied, "Oh!", and then Xiao Ming WalkHe went into the kitchen and asked his mother, "mom, does the liver have legs?" mom pointed to the location of the liver and said, "Silly boy, how can the liver have legs here?" Xiao Ming said again, "But last night I clearly knew Hear... my dear... open your feet..." 36: A senior administrative official read the newspaper and said angrily: "What kind of society are there so many extramarital affairs! ” The official’s Wife then said: “That’s right, they all should be arrested and shot!” "The official stared at the official's Wife thoughtfully, "Tell me honestly, have you ever been unfaithful to me after we have been married for so many years?" "How can you ask such a question?" The official's Wife asked in surprise. "Don't run away, answer my question!" "Then," the official's Wife was obviously frightened, "promise me first that you won't beat me." "It's been a long time since I stopped beating my Wife," he said with emotion. "Okay," the official's Wife gritted her teeth, "Only three times." "Three times?!" The official was anxious, "Which three times?" "The first time, do you remember your doctoral examination at the university of Chicago? , there is an exam committee member who tries to make things difficult for you, but refuses to let you pass? If you don’t get a doctorate, your Family will be in disgrace, and our future will be ruined. Later, the difficult professor came to our house to congratulate you on passing. Yes, that's because of me..." "No wonder, it turned out to be you for me... What about the second time?" "The second time, do you remember that you were the ambassador in South America, and the king of that country threatened to sever diplomatic relations with our country? ? If we break off diplomatic relations, you will become the ambassador of breaking off diplomatic relations, and your political future will be over. Later, the king suddenly changed his mind and stopped mentioning the matter of breaking off diplomatic relations. It was because of me..." "Oh, you still did it for me... Then the third one. "The third time, do you remember that when you were nominated for the Executive Yuan vote, you were still 721 votes short?..." 37: A pair of friends met for a drink before their wedding. A said: I asked my fiancée, and she blushed and whispered that her breasts looked like oranges. I thought to myself, oranges are just oranges. We look so average. One orange is enough for me to chew on for the rest of my life. B said: I also asked my unmarried daughter-in-law, and she told me quietly with a red face that her breasts were like eggs. I thought to myself, eggs are just eggs. Our Family is poor and having eggs is enough for a lifetime. The two chose to get married on the same day and got together for a drunken drink the next day. Person A said: I was deceived by my Wife. I never expected that kumquats are also called oranges. B said: I also suffered the loss of my Wife's muteness. Poached eggs are also called eggs. 38: The Chinese Department of a certain university is giving a class on "Shuowen Jiezi", and today's discussion is about the character "male". Professor Huang asked everyone a question: "Why does the word "meaning" above "male" have the word "田"? "Because men are responsible for farming!" Ah Fai answered. "Very good." The professor nodded and continued to ask, "Then why is there the word "force" below? Ah Fang, please answer it." Ah Fang thought for a while.Then he stammered, "Can a man be called a man if he doesn't have strength down there?" 39; There was a couple who was so loving that they had sex almost thirty days a month. One day, my Wife suddenly felt unwell. After examination, the doctor said: You have neuropathic pain caused by excessive sexual indulgence. You must stop having sex for three months, otherwise your life may be in danger. After returning Home, the Wife told her husband what had happened, so they had to endure it for three months and slept in separate rooms. However, just a week later, the husband could not help himself and walked to his Wife's room that night. He happened to see his Wife about to leave the room. The Wife was surprised to see him and asked: Is something okay? ? The husband said seriously: "I'm here to kill you, but what about you?" "The Wife shyly replied: "I came here to commit suicide." 40; The two painters and their husbands both had records of marital infidelity and did not trust each other. One day when the husband went out, the Wife was afraid that her husband would be SMuggling, so she went to his house. Two little monkeys were drawn on the sexual organs, and the husband, not to be outdone, also drew a little guard on his Wife's private parts, saying: "Guard the door for me well." That night, when the husband came Home, the Wife took off her husband's pants and put them on her. After checking, I found that although the two monkeys were still there, their positions were wrong. The Wife said: "These two monkeys have the wrong parts. They are not the two I drew in the morning. It seems that you are messing around behind my back again." The husband argued: "It is obviously these two monkeys, you are looking for me. Trouble." The Wife said, "My two monkeys are in a relatively low position, near the grass. Phew! It's almost over now..." The husband argued, "The monkeys can climb trees. They were in the grass in the morning. "It's not unusual to climb to the top of a tree now." So he started to check on his Wife, only to find that the little guard originally painted on the left side of the gate was now on the right side. He suddenly became furious and cursed: "You. You bastard, you dare to argue with me? Although you drew the guard very much, you drew it in the wrong direction. It was originally on the left, but now it’s on the right. . On guard? It’s not wrong that he walked to the right!” The husband was furious: “That’s nonsense.” The Wife sneered, “You only allow your monkeys to climb trees, but you don’t allow my guards to change guard? How can you make sense of this!” 41: A farmer bought several pigs, hoping to raise them to make ham and bacon. After a few weeks, he found that none of the pigs were pregnant, so he called a veterinarian for help. The veterinarian told him to use artificial insemination. The farmer had no idea what that meant, but he didn't want to show his ignorance, so he just asked the veterinarian how he could tell a pig was pregnant. Veterinarians say pigs are pregnant whenever they see them lying down and rolling in the mud. The farmer hung up the phone, thought about it, and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination requires him to inseminate these pigs. So he loaded all the pigs on the truck, pulled them into the woods, fucked them one by one, and then pulled them all back again. After waking up the next day, the farmerWhen he walked to the pig pen and saw the pigs still standing there one by one, he thought that it must be the first time that he failed, so he used a truck to pull the pigs into the woods again. This time, just to be on the safe side, he worked very hard. Did each of them twice. Early the next morning, he got up and went to the pig pen, and found that the pig was still standing there, motionless. He thought to himself, let’s try it again, so he loaded the pig on the truck and drove it to the woods, which took a whole day. , fucked these pigs one by one over and over again. When I got Home, I was so tired that I fell on the bed and fell asleep. The next day, he could barely get out of bed, so he asked his Wife to see if the pigs were lying in the mud. His Wife came back and told him: "No, all the pigs ran onto the truck, and one of them was still honking the horn impatiently." 42: Someone confided to a friend: "Twice I came Home from get off work and saw My Wife is hugging a man, what do you think I should do? "I don't know," my friend replied, "Why don't you try working overtime?" 43: One day, a certain man's Wife gave birth to a baby. He hurried to the hospital and waited for n hours. The doctor came out and told him that they were twins! He was ecstatic: I am a father! At this time, the doctor said with a sad face: Boys have penises on their faces, but girls have breasts on their backs! A certain gentleman stayed there, still not understanding why. The doctor asked: Do you always stop replying?